0 mm — SURFACE

PICKLEPAT

dill with it.

Sour bastard. Small pants. Big cape. Currently at large.

ON X

CACOMINGSOON

Close-up of Pickle Pat looking thoroughly unimpressed

SINK ↓

120 mm — WHAT HE IS

EVERY PICKLE USED TO BE A CUCUMBER

Pat doesn't talk about the day that stopped being true. He went into the brine a normal vegetable with a future and came out sour, furious, and wearing a nappy he has never once taken off.

The cape was his mum's tea towel. Don't bring it up.

BRINE FACTS

Serving size: 1 (one) sour bastard

Sourness: 400%
Gherkin content: 0.0%
Modesty: 2%
Cape: NOT LOAD-BEARING*
Pants: TECHNICALLY A NAPPY
Height: ONE PICKLE

*It is load-bearing.
Contains: vinegar, dill, unresolved anger, trace amounts of somebody else's cake.

store in a cool dry place — he'll find you anyway

Pickle Pat with his hand pressed to a jar packed with pickles — exhibit A. he kept the receipt.

280 mm — THE JAR

THEY TOOK HIS BROTHERS

Seven of them. Stacked like firewood. Best before a date Pat will not live to see.

He put a hand on the glass. Nobody put one back. That's brine for you — it makes you quiet.

460 mm — THE MURK

SO HE WENT IN ALONE

Three in the morning. Loading bay six. No plan, no backup, no trousers to speak of.

If you're going to do something monumentally stupid, do it in a cape. That way everyone knows it was on purpose.

Pickle Pat standing among stacked cardboard boxes in a dark warehouse — loading bay six. nobody clocked him in.

Pickle Pat behind bars inside a jar on a Pickle Juice Factory shelf — shelf three. eye level. the good spot.

640 mm — THE FACTORY

THEY JARRED HIM

Bars, brine and a barcode. Vinegar's out here going for $5.99 and they had Pat at $20.99, which remains the single best thing anyone has ever said about him.

He got out. He won't say how. The lid has never been found and the night manager has stopped asking.

820 mm — THINGS THAT NEED A SLAP

THE LIST

A burger carrying off a crying baby pickle while Pat points at it

THE BURGER

Takes babies. Wears lettuce like it's a personality. Sesame-seeded prick.

RAP SHEETOne count of nicking a child in broad daylight. Four counts of being smug about it. Still walking around out there with a bun on, bold as you like.

A distressed chocolate cake missing a slice while Pat runs off with it

THE CAKE

Victim. Allegedly. This one's complicated and Pat would rather we moved on.

BOTH STATEMENTS ON RECORDPat: he was hungry, the plate was right there, and the cake was "being weird about it". The cake: it was minding its own business and now has a hole in it. Draw your own conclusions.

980 mm — THE GHERKIN QUESTION

HE IS NOT A GHERKIN

Go on then. Ask him. See what happens.

RANTS TRIGGERED: 0

1140 mm — SEDIMENT

YOU'VE HIT THE BOTTOM OF THE JAR

Down here there's a garlic clove that has seen things and a peppercorn that owes Pat money. That's it. That's the bottom.

FOLLOW HIM

"He's not a gherkin, he f*cking hates gherkins."

No cucumbers were harmed in the making of this website. Several were fundamentally altered.
This is a pickle in a nappy with a tea towel round his neck. That is the entire website.
$PICKLE

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you have been down here a while, mate